One problem is that the "English translation" of the book you've bought is into Great British. Trailers are "caravans," people have "behaviour," and your car has "tyres" and does "manoeuvres." Sentences actually start, "You must reckon with....", which sounds like something Marshall Dillon would say to Billy the Kid. I want to answer, "Do I, pardner?"
"Sunken kerbstones" also baffled me. I wondered about a country whose driving rules so heavily featured flooding. Don't give priority to cars at sunken kerbstones. Ignore cars at sunken kerbstones. Weeks dragged by before it hit me:
Driveway. Don't stop for cars coming out of driveways.
Every day I'd study more, and fume more about it. In America I'd regarded Germany as Valhalla, where everybody was smart and logical. And then I came here and realized the reason Germany was so highly regarded was because it was being graded on an EU curve. Not a genius? Less than brilliant? No problem. Just go stand next to Slovakia and Greece.
My irritation magnified over months of study, as examples of their idiocy piled up. I spent a few weeks puzzled by something called "dipped headlights." References were everywhere. In a tunnel, you must dip your headlights. When you see a deer by the road, dip your headlights. I started to think, are German headlights controlled by a joystick or something? And I'm a smart guy! An idiot would have assumed there was onion soup mix and sour cream involved.
Every day I'd study more, and fume more about it. In America I'd regarded Germany as Valhalla, where everybody was smart and logical. And then I came here and realized the reason Germany was so highly regarded was because it was being graded on an EU curve. Not a genius? Less than brilliant? No problem. Just go stand next to Slovakia and Greece.
My irritation magnified over months of study, as examples of their idiocy piled up. I spent a few weeks puzzled by something called "dipped headlights." References were everywhere. In a tunnel, you must dip your headlights. When you see a deer by the road, dip your headlights. I started to think, are German headlights controlled by a joystick or something? And I'm a smart guy! An idiot would have assumed there was onion soup mix and sour cream involved.
I still don't understand the reasoning but I can repeat the facts: their "dipped" headlights are what Americans call "headlights," and their "main beams" are our brights. Dipping your headlights bizarrely means just turning them on.
Here's a life-or-death instruction about markings on the road:
I can't even understand who this is talking to. Will British people read this and think, "Righty-O, Guv'nah!"? Because Americans look it and go, "Whaaa?"
Americans might also take exception to the word "recommends." We'd be tempted to stop in the middle of the intersection, and when a policeman pulls up we'll say, "Well, the book RECOMMENDS stopping back there, but I decided against it. You know, it's like ordering the fish after the waiter recommends the veal."
Of course, if getting a driver's license is torture here, I'm pretty sure going to jail is worse.
Naturally you need to know the rules about driving past buses, so I knew it was important to memorize this:
Makes perfect sense, doesn't it? And then you come to this passage:
I was pretty sure I was missing something here. "Don't ever pass a bus flashing their hazards while pulling up to a bus stop. Wait until it's parked and people are getting out before you do." But then I noticed they use two distinct words: "passing" and "overtaking." A pedant might say "passing" is what you do to a stopped vehicle and "overtaking" is what you do to a moving vehicle. Like, you can pass a parked bus, but you can't overtake it. But that renders the first quote as useful as "Make sure your car doesn't float away." But remember it! Pass the test and you spend a year driving through Europe. Fail and welcome to the hell that is Deutsche Bahn.
Let's learn a bit about stopping your car:
You can't stop "up to 10 meters" of a St. Andrew's Cross. Now turn the page.
Yes, you got it. In a "built-up area" -- you know, what humans call a "city" -- you can park five meters in front of a diagonal cross. But don't even think about stopping there.
I sat there staring at the book, struggling to process what I'd been dealing with. I'd spent six months deciphering their pronouncements only to discover they were facts any idiot knows. It's weird: everybody in Berlin speaks perfect English. I get two German words out of my mouth and they say, "Look, buddy, let's make this easy. Let's go for English, okay?" But then I decide I want to get a driver's license and suddenly they're all, "You want go putt-putt in motorcar?"
Whether they're incompetent and don't care or they're actively trying to keep Americans off their roads, the end result is that it's impossible for us to pass the driving test. It's a Catch-22: if you're stupid, you'll never figure out what they're talking about. But if you're smart, you could waste months trying to unravel things that are obvious to idiots.
One last example bolsters the incompetence explanation. Let's start with a paragraph from the official book.
I can't even understand who this is talking to. Will British people read this and think, "Righty-O, Guv'nah!"? Because Americans look it and go, "Whaaa?"
Americans might also take exception to the word "recommends." We'd be tempted to stop in the middle of the intersection, and when a policeman pulls up we'll say, "Well, the book RECOMMENDS stopping back there, but I decided against it. You know, it's like ordering the fish after the waiter recommends the veal."
Of course, if getting a driver's license is torture here, I'm pretty sure going to jail is worse.
Naturally you need to know the rules about driving past buses, so I knew it was important to memorize this:
Makes perfect sense, doesn't it? And then you come to this passage:
I was pretty sure I was missing something here. "Don't ever pass a bus flashing their hazards while pulling up to a bus stop. Wait until it's parked and people are getting out before you do." But then I noticed they use two distinct words: "passing" and "overtaking." A pedant might say "passing" is what you do to a stopped vehicle and "overtaking" is what you do to a moving vehicle. Like, you can pass a parked bus, but you can't overtake it. But that renders the first quote as useful as "Make sure your car doesn't float away." But remember it! Pass the test and you spend a year driving through Europe. Fail and welcome to the hell that is Deutsche Bahn.
Let's learn a bit about stopping your car:
You can't stop "up to 10 meters" of a St. Andrew's Cross. Now turn the page.
Yes, you got it. In a "built-up area" -- you know, what humans call a "city" -- you can park five meters in front of a diagonal cross. But don't even think about stopping there.
Here's another perfectly-clear instruction from the book: "Parking is not allowed on a priority road outside built-up areas." In human-speak, this means "Don't park on the road in the country." And then I took a sample test which asked, "Are you allowed to park at the side of a priority road outside built-up areas?" My answer: absolutely not! The correct answer: of course!
It sent me running back to my translation. Apparently when they say "Don't park on the road in the country" they mean "Don't park IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD in the country." What, did you assume they meant on the side?
I sat there staring at the book, struggling to process what I'd been dealing with. I'd spent six months deciphering their pronouncements only to discover they were facts any idiot knows. It's weird: everybody in Berlin speaks perfect English. I get two German words out of my mouth and they say, "Look, buddy, let's make this easy. Let's go for English, okay?" But then I decide I want to get a driver's license and suddenly they're all, "You want go putt-putt in motorcar?"
Whether they're incompetent and don't care or they're actively trying to keep Americans off their roads, the end result is that it's impossible for us to pass the driving test. It's a Catch-22: if you're stupid, you'll never figure out what they're talking about. But if you're smart, you could waste months trying to unravel things that are obvious to idiots.
One last example bolsters the incompetence explanation. Let's start with a paragraph from the official book.
And here's a question from the official quiz.
As you can see, I got it wrong. Apparently you need to "reckon" with taxis and beware of taxis and watch out for taxis and keep away from taxis but you don't need to show them "particular care." Like don't send them flowers or chocolate? Think twice about that shoulder massage?
Anyway, I hope you learned something. You can pass someone without overtaking them, you can park in some locations without stopping, and you can totally ignore people that you need to pay very serious attention to. It makes me think of relativity, and that Einstein himself would probably fail this test.
Anyway, I hope you learned something. You can pass someone without overtaking them, you can park in some locations without stopping, and you can totally ignore people that you need to pay very serious attention to. It makes me think of relativity, and that Einstein himself would probably fail this test.
I'd like to say that frustration makes me more determined, but in truth I gave up. I stop trying to understand it and instead just memorized the one thousand mostly-useless questions and their corresponding nonsensical answers. And I passed the test. Now I just have to pass the driving test and I get to drive all over Europe.
I've got to say, I'm feeling seriously muzzy now.
