Thank you for signing up for the Cameo.Com newsletter. As you know, we are an online service offering customized greetings from world-famous celebrities for a very reasonable charge.
With thousands of celebrities in our catalog, we have the perfect fit for you. Want a birthday greeting from a Baywatch star? Congrats on your anniversary from a Denver Bronco? Get a friendly "Have a great day!" wish from an extra on Dragon Ball Z? That's why we're worth nearly a billion dollars.
Enjoy perusing our catalog, and if you have any questions don't hesitate to ask.
Your friend,
Brenda
Cameo.com Customer Care
Dear Cameo.com friend:
In my last email I said, "if you have any questions don't hesitate to ask." Well, a lot of you took me up on that! More than a few people wanted to know why the first customer reviews for so many celebrities were identical.
Why, I didn't even notice! Perhaps that is a little odd, though I wouldn't use the word "suspicious." Sometimes a whole lot of people just have the same word in their heads, and "Awesome" is a common word in customer reviews. Maybe reviewers on some websites go on at length about the service and price and blah blah blah, but I guess we're just an "Awesome" kind of site.
Besides, mark my words here: I'm pretty sure it was just a weird phase and before you know it all the reviewers will be saying something else.
Your friend,
Brenda
Cameo.com Customer Care
Dear Cameo.com visitor:
I'll be honest: I don't understand you. You write me and scream that it's "suspicious" that so many of our "customer reviews" are exactly the same. And right after that it changes, just out of the blue, and then everybody is suspicious again! Are you people NEVER satisfied? Customers have different opinions! It's a fact of life! I'm sure the reviews will change again very soon to something completely different and it has absolutely nothing to do with me!
Enjoy our service.
Your friend,
Brenda
Cameo.com Customer Care
Dear Cameo.com patron:
Okay, you caught me. I knew I should have just put two exclamation points after "Thank you" instead of three. What can I tell you? I'M ENTHUSIASTIC!!!
Look, I'm also paid ten dollars an hour: you really think I'm going to struggle writing realistic reviews? Like, "Hortensia did a wonderful job. In fact, let me tell you about the heartfelt video she recorded for my Paw-Paw." Not a chance! If I can finish the job with three minutes of cut-and-paste then that's what I'm gonna do.
Besides, what do you expect from this place? Did you look at our client list? I told you in my first email that we had celebrities from every walk of life, but that's not quite true. Actually, we're a bit oversupplied in psychopathic Trump sellouts and media majors who ruined their careers by sucking up to Donald Trump but weren't hot enough for the move to Fox News.
We're funneling money to Sean Spicer, a Trump press secretary who a New Yorker headline said "Will Be Remembered For His Lies" and who once hid in bushes to avoid meeting the press.
We're a nice source of income for Jack Posobiec, someone we've dubbed a "political commentator" who is actually more like prankster scum who got famous by going to left-wing protests holding a sign that read "RAPE MELANIA."
We also call our client Jacob Wohl a "political commentator," but it's a little misleading here too. It probably makes you picture a guy in a suit talking to a news anchor instead of an amoral little twerp who allegedly paid a man to tell the press that Pete Buttigieg tried to rape him while he was drunk.
We're giving a platform to Will Witt, an alleged "political influencer" who tweeted that "many leftists would rather see the world continue to collapse from the corona virus than see Trump be successful in stopping it." Unfortunately, he's temporarily unavailable. Maybe injecting Mop 'N Glo to cure a virus isn't as successful as he thought?
We provide financial support to Fox News shill and Apprentice contestant Gretchen Carlson, Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich (who had his felony conviction for bribery commuted by Trump), and Anthony "Mooch" Scaramucci, the White House staffer who was so bad at his job that even Trump noticed he was incompetent. Did you see the listing for Tomi Lahren, the Fox News personality who compared "Black Lives Matter" protesters to the Ku Klux Klan? And don't forget Kaitlin Bennett, the right-wing "Gun Girl" who's famous because she took an assault rifle to her graduation ceremony at -- wait for it -- Kent State.
As Cameo CEO and co-founder Steven Galanis says, "It's really cool to see people ... be able to make life-changing money really quickly." Don't dwell on the fact that one of those people, Roger Stone, is a felon ex-Trump "adviser" who called a CNN personality a "fat negro" and then a "stupid negro." Hopefully his "life-changing" might include a swerve away from racist pig but don't bet the farm on that.
Anyway, that's me for now. Knock off the angry letters. We're a website! If you want moral integrity, head over to GoFundMe and give a non-felon your extra bucks.
Keepin' it real,
Brenda
Cameo.com Customer Care
Disclaimer: This is a work of satire. "Brenda" does not exist, and her emails are fictional. The suspicious customer reviews, however, are real.
