Now that gay pride time is almost upon us, I'd like to take this opportunity to discuss how we can best further the cause of gay rights and eventually achieve our goal of total equality.

In the past, gay pride parades have been wide open to any individuals who wanted to attend. While this practice was laudable in its inclusiveness, it led to unfortunate results. We want America to see computer programmers and accountants who just happen to be homosexual; they're shown Pablo from Puerto Rico with casava melons stuffed in his sarong.

To this end, then, I suggest we modify the rules for this year's parade. This year let's only offer attractive images to the media, so they can't show what we don't want. Rather than see this as discrimination against some of our community, though, we should see it as confirmation that we recognize the deviousness of the right-wing media and are prepared to deal with it like adults.

I've made a list of some groups that would present positive images and sorted them into an order that I think would make an exciting parade. If you feel like one of the categories below describes you, please go to your local parade and join that group.

1. Men who look like Hugh Jackman

2. Women who look like Portia De Rossi

3. Gay and lesbian bluegrass fans

4. Polyamorous or bisexual people walking boy-girl-boy-girl

5. Fully-clothed, rugged men who show their affinity for the leather lifestyle with stylish belts or ten-gallon hats

6. Women of appropriate body weight wearing dresses and riding Vespas

7. A gay and lesbian marching band where the women play wind instruments and the men play drums

8. Clowns who can make balloon animals for the kiddies without simulating oral sex on all the pink balloons

9. Ruddy, weathered cowboys WHO WEAR PANTS UNDERNEATH THEIR CHAPS

In addition, the following two groups are specifically asked not to attend:

1. Mothers With Mullets

2. St. Propecia's Drum and Basket Corps

If any participant feels he or she needs to throw souvenirs at the crowd, make it country music CDs or "WWJD?" keychains rather than condoms or nude photos of him or herself.

Now, needless to say, we can't actually forbid anyone from attending. But please, follow these guidelines. Really queeny types who are determined to take part should rent a bus or other large vehicle where most of their bodies will be hidden from public view. Similarly overweight or extra-dykey women. We do have one hard and fast rule, however: you may NOT roll the windows down. All we need is one ear-piercing shriek from a pink scarfed-screamer and all our hard work is shot to hell. If you're a male and effeminate, or butch and female, or have a penchant for metallic shorts and disco music, you're probably better off staying home. Hey, the view's better on cable TV anyway, right?

Thanks for reading this, and pass it on. I look forward to a parade full of attractive, fun people that I can watch with pride.