Captain of sunk cruise ship blames water.

The captain of a cruise ship that sank off Athens, Greece the other day blames "strong currents" for the accident. "I felt the ship, which had been on a normal course, slip to the right because of sea currents," he said. "I gave the order for a full turn left, but there was not enough time for the ship to respond." The ship struck rocks and sank, and two French tourists are still missing.

Now, call me crazy, but I don't consider this a reasonable excuse. Shouldn't a boat be, you know, prepared to handle water? Wasn't it designed to float no matter what? I mean, I don't think the designers or manufacturers have conditions attached: "Yeah, this'll be great to take out of the open sea. Just as long as the water stays calm."

This kind of stupidity makes me wonder about other modes of transportation. I mean, say you're on an airplane, flying across the country. You're reading a year-old copy of Time magazine and picking at your lunch: a piece of crusty yellow chicken and a slice of stale bread. Suddenly the plane takes a sharp nosedive. You fly up out of your seat, the oxygen masks drop, and screams of distress ring throughout the cabin. One horrifying minute later, the plane crashes into a Cracker Barrel restaurant just outside of Cincinnati. When paramedics reach the wreckage they discover all the passengers are dead and the captain is fading fast.

"It's not my fault," the captain says they strap him to a stretcher. "It's that goddamned air!"

Dennis Kozlowski knows why he was found guilty.

Dennis Kozlowski stole millions of dollars from Tyco International, treating the company as his own private piggy bank. In a shopping spree that makes New York gays look Amish, he bought a $50,000 umbrella stand, a $6,000 shower curtain, and threw a toga party that cost two million dollars. Tyco dumped him from their board and the police investigated, and after he was sentenced to a maximum of 25 years in prison his wife and friends dumped him too.

Last night he appeared on "60 Minutes." "I was a guy sitting in a courtroom making $100 million a year," he told their reporter from his jail cell. "And I think a juror sitting there just would have to say, `All that money? He must have done something wrong.' I think ... it's as simple as that."

Yeah, bud -- your guilt's got nothing to do with it. All us poor folks are just stupid and vindictive, and can't wait to get back at you rich folk whether you deserve it or not. That's why Sam Walton is currently sharing a cell at Rykers with Donald Trump and Bill Gates.