Wow, the L. A. Times is a little petty today, spelling out what everybody already knows. Thirty-one -- count'em, thirty-one -- photos of "celebrities attacked by wind," with bitchy headlines like "Carrie, this is what hair looks like on a windy day!" and "How come the wind ain't blowin' these shirts off, ya dope?"


Worst photo? #6. I wish the wind had blown Ashton Kutcher's beard off and shirt closed.


Best caption? #19.


Somewhere on the patio at Citronella there's an editor drinking white wine and telling her boss, "Don't worry -- my intern's writing it."

Their biggest regret? Grandma Kardashian.

Harold was so disappointed when the time finally came to bump trunks.

Protesting Donald Trump's decision to let a topless model keep the Miss California USA crown, Shanna Moakler resigned her position as the Miss California Pageant Director.

Hopefully uttering the words we've been longing to hear since the moneygrubbing Apprentice first made it hit American TV:

I quit, asshole.


Meanwhile, rumor has it there are some Carrie Prejean photos that are even racier than the ones where the wind supposedly blew her blouse open. Trump himself lended credence to this story by calling a press conference this afternoon and asking, "You know how you can eat a couple burritos and then fart your underwear off?"

Highlights from Pastor Jeff's Blog

Danny Gokey has barely left the stage and already the diva is creeping out:

Pastor Steve Munsey told [radio personality] Mancow that Danny wouldn’t go on the show unless he mentioned Faith Builders & Jeff Pruitt at least two times in the interview.

Yeah, that's how it starts. Today you have to mention his church and his pastor, tomorrow you have to provide three bisexual Asians and a case of Jägermeister.

Meanwhile, a commenter kisses ass congratulates Pastor Jeff:

You saw his talent, you sent him out to sing and now he is deployed to be salt and light. . . .

Yes, that's true. Definitely true. Sadly, the world declared last night that they'd rather have fresh-ground pepper and a little parmesan.

They finally cut all the stupid parts out of the Bible.

Ironically, he got a stuffed chalupa that night.

Polly wants to get laid.

A Song From My High School Guidance Counselor

THEN: Sure, some of the plot twists are a little puzzling, but don't worry -- there's a rational explanation. Years from now, when we wrap things up, it'll all make perfect sense.

NOW: See, the island has free will, and there's this company that makes giant polar bears, and all these people jump back and forth in time. . . .

She says she isn't cheating on him. He says he isn't cheating on her.

Well, clearly something is up with that family. Six of the eight were seen dancing with R. Kelly last week.

You know what? I'm lowering the bar for America's role models. As long as Michael Phelps doesn't tearfully claim the wind blew his pants down until we could see the five o'clock shadow of his pubic hair, he's totally cool with me.

Well, I just got a nice note from Carrie Prejean, the disgraced Miss California USA. She realizes she's made some mistakes, but she thinks if the gay community really knew her then they wouldn't be quite as mad. So, as a one-shot deal, I'm turning the website over to her.

Hi guys! My name is Carrie Michelle Prejean and I'd like to be your friend. Why don't I show you some pictures from my photo album so you can learn a little more about me?


Last year I volunteered at the Olympics. I was soooo surprised when they came to my hometown! Here I am trying to give these cute swimmers some moral support. I've got my tiniest suit on but they won't even look at me! Honestly, I think there's something wrong with them.


Here I am with a few members of my church. We're trying to explain to Perez Hilton that we're just following the Word of God, is all. Left to right that's me, Hortensia and Bathsheba. Hortensia never smiles, even though her husband Ezekiel is a nice-looking guy.

I keep trying to convince them to get implants but I can't even get Bathsheba to pluck that unibrow.

By the way, I usually wear a bit more than this to church, but my halter top was at the dry cleaners.


Last but not least, here's my congregation building a house for a poor heterosexual family. I know Jesus wants me in the kitchen with the womenfolk, but I'm not happy unless I'm with the guys.

I'd be working a little harder but my star keeps slipping off.

C'mon, Hosea! Keep on pounding. C'mon, Theophilus! Slap up that drywall. Hey, Ezekiel -- let me grab that little screwdriver you got in your pocket!

Oops. Sorry.

I guess that's why Hortensia never smiles.

Anyway, thanks Roman! This is Carrie Michelle out. Sorry I called you an abomination, but that's Jesus talking, not me.

Actually, they could have said "From the people who brought you The Da Vinci Code, but they're already pretty sure you don't want to see it.

Doctor, those aren't cantaloupes.

Idiot of the Day

Back story. Thor Equities bought Coney Island, New York's premier beachside amusement park dating back to 1917, and then tore down every ride except two. They tried to change the zoning so they could build a giant mall and luxury condos, but after the entire city rebelled they were turned down. Then came the financial crisis, and now they have no plans. There's a big, sad, empty space where New Yorkers used to play.

Trying to make some coin off this debacle, this summer the space will be a flea market. 500 booths rented out at $100 a day, netting the people who tore down Coney Island approximately $1.5 million a month.

What she said: "There's all this guilt with going to the mall and buying something, but not any guilt going to a festival and finding something you love," said Digna Rodriguez-Pouton, "creative director" of the flea market.

What she meant: "Sure, there aren't any rides for the kiddies, but why not buy them a hot dog and tube socks?"

Question of the Day

Michael Ignatieff, head of Canada's Liberal Party, asks: If European farmers can kill wolves that attack their livestock, why can't we club baby seals to death to make really nifty coats?

Dude changed his status to Under twenty feet of snow.

Christian Karl Gerhartsreiter, accused of taking his daughter from his ex-wife and using the alias Clark Rockefeller, wants the prosecution to refer to him as Clark Rockefeller during his jury trial. His attorney says it could hurt his client's credibility if prosecutors call him Christian Gerhartsreiter when he's called himself Clark Rockefeller for the last 15 years.

What, like your legal name doesn't matter in a court of law, and they'll call you whatever you call yourself? Because I'll be damned if some shyster lawyer is going to address me as Fuckwit.

Anybody else collecting reality TV show trading cards? I'm addicted. I spent like eighty bucks on them yesterday. I even bought a pack of cards from The Biggest Loser, but it wasn't what I expected. Instead of trading cards with chubby people on them I got five pictures of Mel Gibson and an Ivanka Trump.

Next Rachael Ray will make a public service message about the dangers of EVOO.

Overheard at the Urban Bear Fest

SCENE: Friday night at the Ramrod. A hairy, refrigerator-sized guy in a tank top leans against a wall, attracting the attention of a neighboring drunk.

DRUNK: Hey, what's your name?
REFRIGERATOR: Nacho.
DRUNK: Nacho?
REFRIGERATOR: Nacho average bear.

A woman is suing Wal-Mart after the store's pet nutria -- a dog-sized, rat-shaped creature -- appeared from behind a Coke rack and came running straight for her. Fearing for her safety, the woman tried to duck behind a shopping cart but it rolled over her foot and caused her to fall and injure herself.

Can you do that? Sue Wal-Mart for scaring the shit out of you? Well, put me down for four million. I accidentally wandered into their men's casual wear department once.


(Via Gawker)

Just in Time for Mother's Day!

Pipette oil and vinegar bottles.


For the mom who says, "I love salad dressing but I'm watching my weight and pouring has too great of a margin for error."

Well, as Jesus used to say, behind every spooky person you'll find a spooky religion, and Danny Gokey is a sparkling example. He's a member of the Faith Builders International Ministries, founded by Pastor Jeff Pruitt and his wife Robin.


The first time God spoke to Pastor Jeff, He said it was time to "leave the nest" and start a church. When that church crashed and burned, a fluffy white cloud appeared to him with a correction. "Come," the cloud said, "please come!" and then the Lord said -- presumably the Lord has a different voice than a cloud -- "Son, you are in the wrong place. I need you in Milwaukee, Wisconsin." You know, like he's the general manager of a Hertz dealership. Jesus frequently corrects His Father when His messages forget to include geographical details.

Like Dr. Phil's similarly-named appendage, Robin created a role for herself within her man's organization. She created the Style Women's Ministries "to assist [women] in realizing their God-given purpose." At least one disgruntled member says this is quite literally a ministry for style, as Pastor Jeff preaches that it's a sin for women to go without makeup, and the focus of the meetings is to get women into flashy clothing and the cheap jewelry that Robin sells.

FBIM is successful in their new location, with Pastor Jeff asking for 10% of the earnings of approximately two thousand members. Needless to say, they're extremely proud of Danny Gokey, putting him front and center on the church's home page and on a separate page of his own. Pastor Jeff's blog gushes about Danny's appearances on the American Idol: "I loved what the judges had to say, but especially Kara . . . I think she nailed it when she said that Danny has so much joy when he sings! We know that the joy of the Lord is our strength! And that 'joy' which is Christ in him comes forth as he sings. . . . I spoke with him last night and he is preparring [sic] to be the next American Idol for the glory of God! All he ask [sic] for is our prayer! Go Danny!"

The congregation's reaction to Adam's placement may not seem quite as Christian. "[C]hannel 17 news . . . captured our church going wild when they saw Adam in the bottom 3 . . . it was deafening in the house with all the cheering to say the least!"

If all this flash and glamour tempts you toward the Faith Builders, though, be warned that some of their beliefs are a little hard to swallow. They think the Holy Spirit can go inside you and make you speak in tongues. They think you can bring dead people back to life. And, weirdest of all, they think it's possible for a Christian man to convert his golfing buddies.


Still, they've got to be doing something right, because it's easy to see the joy that the Lord has put in Danny's eyes. It's easy to see the pride that his family feels. And it's easy to see the stripper pole and ceiling-mounted camera just behind them, but we already knew the Lord worked in mysterious ways.

Next Wednesday Britain's BBC Radio 4 will air a special tribute to Elvis. The highlight? Bono's poem Elvis: American David set to specially-composed music.

Sadly, my own poem -- Elvis: American Kylie -- won't be excerpted, though it's at least as good as Bono's. If you don't believe me, see if you can pick out which of the following are in Bono's poem and which are in mine.

1. elvis strutted like the past was behind him.
2. elvis wore a gold nudie suit and trained his lip to curl. elvis was macho, but could sing like a girl.
3. elvis the charismatic. elvis the ecstatic.
4. elvis liked nader, gators, and fried green tomaters.
5. elvis liberation. elvis hibernation.
6. elvis hated liquors and had a drawer full of women's knickers.
7. elvis didn't dodge the draft. elvis had his own aircraft.
8. elvis sang to win. elvis the battle to be slim.
9. elvis was a backwood sage. elvis liked girls underage.
10. elvis hated george and ringo. elvis had a fear of bingo.
11. elvis connection. elvis erection. elvis fungal infection.
12. elvis imperial. elvis nestle's quik on cereal.
13. elvis knew priscilla had to go when he saw her hammer toe.
14. elvis the white nigger ate at burger king and just kept getting bigger.
15. elvis ain't gonna rot. elvis in a memphis plot.
16. elvis didn't like star trek but died while dropping off the captain's log.



ANSWER: 2, 3, 5, 7, 8, 14, and 15 are by Bono. 1, 4, 6, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, and 16 are by me.

LONDON -- Scientists unveiled what they hope will be one of the world's fastest biofuel vehicles, powered by waste from chocolate factories. With this breakthrough in green technology, they said, ecologically-friendly vehicles could be manufactured for the mass market.

Oddly, I'm finding very little consolation knowing that fifteen or twenty years after I got out of grade school everybody will be driving down the Hershey Highway.

Today's Jay Leno-Style Joke

Well, it's finally hit New York City. Two people hospitalized yesterday, six more today.

Naturally the streets are deserted. It's like a ghost town here.

No, it isn't the swine flu. Everybody's afraid of getting run down by the Sorcerer's Apprentice crew.

Things are so crazy, Joe Biden actually called a press conference and said he's taking the subway until Nicholas Cage leaves town.

Nation's First Face Transplant Recipient Debuts New Face

The good news is, her body is adapting extremely well to the foreign tissue.

The bad news is, here's what she looks like now.

The NY Daily News Gives Up Trying to Make Any Kind of Sense

You can stop gossiping about Leighton Meester's singing skills because you'll soon be able to hear them!" -- The New York Daily News

Well, finally! My friend Amanda has been all, "It's creepy about how we never seem to hear Leighton Meester singing. I mean, something has got to be up with that" and I'm all "It's Gossip Girl, not Billy Elliot, and she's all "Well, I think she's hiding something. I've seen her on Access Hollywood and TMZ and she didn't sing either place," and I'm all "Well, you know, unless somebody's a singer they usually don't sing on TV" and then we start talking about Kevin Bacon and I forget what happens after that.

James Frey is bouncing back from the fiery death of his career. After a year of laying low, he reappeared with another novel whose powerful prose propelled it onto the best-seller lists. I contacted his publisher and after days of contentious emailing they graciously allowed me to reprint the first four hundred paragraphs:

The sun came up in Costa Mesa. The sun came up in Camarillo. The sun came up in Escondido. The sun came up in Coronado. The sun came up in Chula Vista. The sun came up in Bakersfield. The sun came up in Costa Mesa. The sun came up in Camarillo. The sun came up in Escondido. The sun came up in Coronado. The sun came up in Chula Vista. The sun came up in Bakersfield. The sun came up in Costa Mesa. The sun came up in Camarillo. The sun came up in Escondido. The sun came up in Coronado. The sun came up in Chula Vista. The sun came up in Bakersfield. The sun came up in Costa Mesa. The sun came up in Camarillo. The sun came up in Escondido. The sun came up in Coronado. The sun came up in Chula Vista. The sun came up in Bakersfield. The sun came up in Costa Mesa. The sun came up in Camarillo. The sun came up in Escondido. The sun came up in Coronado. The sun came up in Chula Vista. The sun came up in Bakersfield. The sun came up in Costa Mesa. The sun came up in Camarillo. The sun came up in Escondido. The sun came up in Coronado. The sun came up in Chula Vista. The sun came up in Bakersfield. The sun came up in Costa Mesa. The sun came up in Camarillo. The sun came up in Escondido. The sun came up in Coronado. The sun came up in Chula Vista. The sun came up in Bakersfield.

I think I speak for all of us when I say that's mighty impressive work. I mean, even if you don't like his choice of words, you've got to admire his cutting-and-pasting skills.

The book is being released in paperback this month, which calls for publicity. Luckily that's Mr. Frey's strong suit.

In the paperback edition, he tantalizes, there's an extra story. A blind item that sounds exactly like his experience with Oprah. After publicly eviscerating an author, though, the unnamed TV Hostess calls him and reveals a salient secret about herself -- while he's recording their chat.

Ever the picture of discretion -- or afraid of getting his pleated pants sued off -- Mr. Frey dutifully draws a forest of dots, leaving Gawker to connect them all:

Does he really have a tape recording of a phone call where Oprah admits she's a lesbian?

Now, maybe you too have noticed some irregularities in this story, so let's take it from the top.

Frey writes a harrowing memoir about drug addiction, which Oprah naturally loves. Rumors surface that the book might not be true, and Oprah calls Frey back to the show. He thinks they're going to discuss the controversy, but au contraire! She's brutal. She calls him a liar. She tears him apart, and he's devastated. Devastated!

Afterward, the self-righteous bitch calls him to make sure he's okay. He decides to tape the phone call because some sixth sense tells him this may end bad. And what do you know? After attacking him on national TV she decides to tell him her deepest, darkest secret.

"Aw, it'll be okay," she might have said. "Heck, I'm a big ole lesbian who's addicted to Q-Tips and gravy, and you don't see me crying in my beer!"

Almost doesn't sound real, does it? You know, like everything James Frey writes. Still, it's got America guessing. A writer renowned for lying comes out with a story that has all America guessing.

The question, though, shouldn't be "Is Oprah a lesbian?" It should be "Is James Frey an asshole or what?"

She expected the moon, but only got the stars.

Highlights of Bono's Poem "Elvis"

Experience the entirety of Bono's tribute to Elvis here, but I think I've captured most of the nuance with a few quotations.


elvis lived on his own street.

elvis had a monkey named scatter before anyone.

elvis didn't smoke hash and woulda been a sissy without johnny cash.

elvis liberation

elvis hibernation.

elvis darling bud flowered and returned to the mississippi mud.

elvis the plastic, elvis the elastic with a spastic dance that might explain the energy of america.

elvis memphis spleen shooting at the tv reading corinthians 13.

elvis stamps

elvis necromance.

elvis here come the killer bees: head full of honey, potato chips and cheese.

elvis the white nigger ate at burger king and just kept getting bigger.

elvis had a voice that could explain the sexuality of america.

elvis changed the centre of gravity.

elvis called God every morning then left the phone off the hook.

elvis ate america before america ate him.

Somewhere in heaven, Dom DeLuise is making God laugh.

Somewhere in Florida, Burt Reynolds is cradling his own balls.

The Associated Press is "glass half full" kind of guys.



Their finding? You can still see boobie!

Fifteen Tony nominations for Billy Elliot. Fifteen.


Here Older Billy shows Younger Billy how gay people clean windows.

Miss California says photos posted to mock faith

SAN DIEGO -- Miss California says a Web site has posted racy photos of her in an attempt to belittle her Christianity.

Carrie Prejean says photos taken of her as a teenager clad only in pink panties had been released "surreptitiously to a tabloid Web site that openly mocks me for my Christian faith."

Yeah, yeah, yeah -- we know. You posed naked because the human body is beautiful. You're glorifying God with nudity.

You're the Little Drummer Boy with breast implants.


I have two gifts for you, pa rum pum pum pum.

I'm sure she's a very clean lady, but I'll go for a new one, thanks.

Mexico Lowers Swine Flu Threat Level From Habanero to Chipotle

Killing His Credibility in Two Words or Less

"I would rather be on a bus in the Gaza Strip than anywhere in Williamsburg, Brooklyn," writes a dude who used to work for Adam Carolla.

Back in Malawi they're firing more broadsides against Pirate Madonna. Why doesn't that immoral hussy just mind her own business? those poor but humble people ask. On the Early Show this morning hardworking farmer James Kambewa said the godless pop star shouldn't be allowed to adopt four-year-old Chifundo ''Mercy'' James.

And we should listen to him, because he says he's probably the kid's dad.

''I want to take care of her, and I'm capable to take care of my baby,'' he said. ''Mercy, she is a Malawian -- so (I) need her to grow as a Malawian as well with our culture.''

He's so concerned about the girl's future, in fact, that one day he hopes to go to the orphanage to meet her.

You can't really blame the dude: I'd rather see Matt Lauer too.





Angels and Demons director Ron Howard said the Vatican tried to stop the movie by denying him permission to film just about anywhere in Rome. Not only was he forbidden from filming inside churches, he was even told he couldn't shoot any exterior scenes that had churches in the background.

The Vatican says these allegations are totally untrue and that Mr. Howard is just trying to drum up publicity.

Is this ridiculous? I'm thinking this is totally going to backfire, casting aspersions against the most trusted man in the world.

Like Opie would ever lie to us.

Wal-Mart CEO Allows Himself to be Photographed in "I'll Get You, My Pretty!" Pose

Sure. Fine. That's a likeness of the Virgin Mary that miraculously appeared on the griddle of a Southern California restaurant.

Now explain the likeness of my penis appearing about twelve inches to her right.

Must . . . get . . . Polly . . . cracker.

Another Day, Another Invitation

Um, I just remembered a previous engagement, thanks.

Things I Learned Too Late

Buy that 40-pound bust of Flaubert after you've taken your bone china out.