Random Thoughts

I may be American, but I'm not an Ugly American. I try to be pleasant to everyone I encounter in my travels, whether it's a pretentious Italian mom or a filthy Spanish backpacker. Whenever somebody sitting near me tries to strike up a conversation, I take the time to reply, "Sorry, I don't speak whatever the hell that is."

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Americans differ sharply by region. Their distinct personalities are hinted at by the answers they gave to a simple question from a TV journalist.

Q: Would you rather listen to Peter Gabriel or Phil Collins?

L.A. RESIDENT: Peter Gabriel, I think.

MID-AMERICA RESIDENT: Definitely Phil Collins.

N.Y. RESIDENT: Well, it depends. Do I want to be entertained or vomit?

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ME: I am making a movie about skinny people who live in a lighthouse pushing logs off the world's highest waterfall.

IMOVIE: Make sure you turn your camera HORIZONTAL to film it!

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When you are buying something and want to pay with exact change, don't ask me if I have a penny, nickel, dime or quarter, because I will lose more than that fishing all the crap out of my pocket.

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Why I Like Sheep Better Than People

When you shave sheep all over you get sweaters. When you shave people all over you get New Jersey.

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FIRST YEAR OF MARRIAGE
WIFE: I sure do like that necklace.
HUSBAND: Do you? Let me buy it for you, my dear.

SECOND YEAR OF MARRIAGE
WIFE: I sure do like that necklace.
HUSBAND: It is nice, isn’t it?

THIRD YEAR OF MARRIAGE
WIFE: I sure do like that necklace.
HUSBAND: Yeah, well, you like a lot of stuff.

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Two men — one American and one German — are driving through Manhattan when an asteroid hits the car, crushing the American, setting his clothes on fire and vaporizing his hair.

AMERICAN: I ... I think I need a hospital.

GERMAN: Put it on the list for the next time we are here.

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