Two Conversations

IN AMERICA:

LOGAN: I'm going to the supermarket. Do you need anything?

MINDY: A dozen eggs. And toilet paper.

LOGAN: Okay. Hey, when was the last time you saw the doctor?

MINDY: In January, why?

LOGAN: I thought maybe you were looking a little pale.

MINDY: In that case, bring back ice cream.

LOGAN: Ha! Okay. Back in ten.

IN ENGLAND:

STAN: I'm thinking of going to the supermarket. Do you need anything?

MAUREEN: Hmm. Oh, do you know what I really enjoyed? That cereal. The one with the berries in it. I don't remember where it was from but my, it was delicious.

STAN: I remember that. It certainly was good. Were there ... pecans in it?

MAUREEN: Yes, I believe there were.

STAN: I don't ordinarily like pecans but that cereal was quite a treat.

[THREE DAYS LATER]

STAN: Let's not bother cooking. Would you like to go to a restaurant?

MAUREEN: Yes! Let's go somewhere that serves crepes, and kreplach, and Chinese Chicken Salad. Where all the waiters are named Raoul, and the water has a thin slice of lime in it.

STAN: Oh, and the bill comes in a padded vinyl sleeve, and the parking lot has a separate entrance and exit!

MAUREEN: Ooh, that sounds really classy. Let's definitely do that.

[THREE DAYS LATER]

STAN: When was the last time we ate?

MAUREEN: Was it ... Thanksgiving? Oh golly but that was delicious. Mum's roast potatoes were just divine.

STAN: I don't know how she does it. Eighty-three and still going strong. I still dream about that sticky toffee pudding.

MAUREEN: And those sprouts. [PAUSE] That was the last time we saw your Uncle Reg.

[THREE MORE DAYS LATER]

STAN: Neither of us can get up out of our chairs. Should I call a doctor?

MAUREEN: I haven't been to the doctor in ages. Do you remember that nice Doctor Nash?

STAN: He had a bedside manner.

MAUREEN: Ooh, but the hands on him. You could call him for a sore throat and he'd have your knickers off.

[THREE MORE DAYS LATER]

BRITISH PARAMEDIC #1: Have you ever seen anything so horrible?

BRITISH PARAMEDIC #2: Only every Tuesday, when our Myra brings home Indian takeaway.