Ten Things I Learned From Watching "Atonement" Last Night

1. When a movie features Keira Knightley as something other than a paperweight, prepare to be disappointed.

2. Sometimes a completely serious movie will start with a line like, "But I accidentally sent her the naughty letter -- the one that said I wanted to lick her lady bits."

3. Fountains in England are frequently eight feet deep, and the cement bottoms are cleaner than my kitchen floor.

4. If you film a scene where a wounded soldier meets his long-lost mother on a distant battlefield, smear Vaseline on the lens so people know it's not real.

5. The really smart, insightful people always become writers in the end.

6. If you screw somebody really badly in real life, you can make amends by making them happy in a book.

7. Women frequently go sixty or seventy years without changing their hairstyles.

8. When you're old and prone to dementia, TV interviewers let you ramble on and on.

9. Long, continuous Steadicam shots are to directors like Humvees are to men with tiny dicks.

10. Crap + Vanessa Redgrave = Crap