Of course you've all heard the great news out of New York. After many years of focus, dedication, and hard work, we've achieved a historic goal.
Though the temptation now may be to rest on our laurels, I firmly believe that we should use our powerful forward momentum to propel us towards the next hurdle:
Forcing children to marry animals.
While the temptation is clearly to congratulate ourselves and smugly smile at those who fought us, this is not the stance to take at this time. And I believe that all the tireless gay activists who worked toward the marriage milestone probably feel the same way I do:
Like a power-mad homosexual who wants to foist another item on his perverted agenda onto a helpless America.
Now that the rule has become law, I think we can admit that the Republicans were absolutely right in saying that gay marriage is the first step on a slippery slope. Sadly for them, they couldn't stop us from taking that step, and now society has slid down almost all the way to requiring every new parent to name their child after a character on The Golden Girls.
Clearly forcing children to marry animals is within our grasp.
I believe that with a few simple steps we could achieve our goal. First, we need to convince children that they want to marry their pets. We should sow the seeds early by preying on their thoughts of insecurity.
"Do you like little Fluffy?" our teacher/indoctrinators will ask their kindergarten wards. "Wouldn't you feel bad if Fluffy thought you didn't love her, and she ran away with the circus?"
By the 4th grade, we can appeal to the child's first forays into intelligent thought. At this age they probably prefer pets to the opposite sex, so we need to convince them that this feeling will never change.
You love your puppy, right?" the 4th grade teacher will ask. "If you marry him, it guarantees you'll love him forever. Unless you think marriage doesn't mean anything, and your daddy can suddenly decide he wants to go live with some whore down the street."
By the 7th grade, we should aim squarely at the materialistic child's needs. "Sure, maybe you don't want to marry a hamster," the teacher will say. "But how about if you got to wear a pretty dress and people gave you eighteen toasters?"
I'm convinced that anyone who can get marriage equality in New York can easily get a few harmless lessons added to the school curriculum, and by 2014 marriage announcements in the newspaper will look like a Future Farmer of America convention.
Next on the agenda, after this? Well, I'll give you a hint: when a young woman walks down that aisle with her father, he's not going to be giving her away.
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