Friday, April 30, 2010

It was a beautiful Arbor Day, so I decided to head to the park. Coincidentally, it was the very same park where Carmen Electra was shaving five of New York's hairiest men. Luckily I brought my camera so I can share it with you.

Here Carmen is being introduced. She's adjusting her top. Next to looking confused, it's her favorite way to pass the time.

Carmen calls for volunteers, and there isn't exactly a mad dash to the stage. Finally five guys get up and take off their shirts.

Here's your first clue something is seriously wrong. Of all the men below, which one has just been shaved?

Yes, the one on the right.

It's a bit awkward, because Carmen tries to shave these guys without touching them. She swipes the razor over them once or twice and then pronounces them done. She's willing to do arms, but no backs and definitely nothing below the waist. The guy next to me yells, "I'VE GOT MORE HAIR ON MY ASS!" I'll confirm that on Saturday night.

The show ends literally three minutes later, and Carmen adjusts one final time.

Here's a video that nobody really needs to watch.

The event was a joint promotion between some Arbor Day foundation and Philips Norelco body groomers. Actually, it was a great learning experience, because I had no idea how badly our New York men have been deforested. There in the park, I might have shed a little tear, but it's still not enough to make me recycle.
They're still debating in England. I don't know who any of these people are, though I'm guessing one of them made that brown gaffe. It definitely looks more exciting than American debates. Here they were asked to imagine that George Clooney was kissing them really hard.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

If you're in New York today, head to Madison Square Park at noon for a Philips Norelco "deforestation" promotion. They're inviting New York City’s hairiest men to “leaf” nothing to the imagination for a chance to have their chests “deforested” by Carmen Electra in front of a crowd of onlookers in tree-lined Madison Square Park.

I totally do not get the online part of this promotion called "What kind of tree are you?" It starts with double entendres about pruning your hedges to make your trunk look big, and ends with you naked in a hotel room while a gorilla tickles your bits with a branch.

Which, you know, isn't going to make me buy anything, though it's pretty much the way I met Raoul.

You have to be 21 or over to get in, but you can show them any old birth certificate.

Police have announced that despite earlier reports, Grindr was NOT the social network 19 year-old Tommy Reed and 54 year-old Mark Woodland used to hook up, culminating in the latter's murder Sunday.

From the Phoenix Police Dept Press Office:

I would ask that, as you continue to report this grizzly crime to your viewers readers and listeners, you use "unknown social network" in regards to how the victim and suspect were connected.

Thanks as always,

Detective James R Holmes
Phoenix Police Department
Media Relations Unit

Hmm: "grizzly." Was it

A two-year-old British boy had his cheese sandwich confiscated by a nursery because it broke their healthy eating rules.

Jack Ormisher burst into tears when the staff took it away because it didn't contain lettuce or tomato.

"It's absolutely pathetic," says his mother, Dorothy Gallear.

Maybe it isn't the healthiest food in the world, she admitted, but she hasn't had to change a diaper yet.

To hell with Arizona iced tea! I'm still pissed about the Bush/Gore election, so I'm not buying Flo Rida CDs.

Sounds like somebody could use a little cheese.
Speaking at a forum Monday in Toledo, 3rd District Republican candidate Pat Bertroche said police should catch illegal immigrants and document their whereabouts. The Cedar Rapids Gazette reported that he added, "I can microchip my dog so I can find it. Why can't I microchip an illegal?"

There's a few reasons:

1. You don't own illegal immigrants.
2. They're people, not dogs.
3. Just judging from the picture, dude, they're not going to lick your genitals no matter how much peanut butter you smear on.

Disney has added a male fairy to its popular online world of Pixie Hollow.

It was a pleasant surprise this week when Pixie Hollow publicist Sweet Pea announced to the community that it was welcoming a new member. His name is Slate -- and he's the joint's first guy. Like Peter Pan's famous blond friend, Slate has talent for tinkering. And if you must know, he's not a fairy; he's a "sparrow man." Whatever you say, Slate. Nice wings, by the way. Slate's also quite the metrosexual – he thinks that "Coal's Clothiers has got some great Sparrow Man threads -- and my good buddy, Gavin, up in Evergreen Overlook has some amazing hats and accessories for Sparrow Men as well."

I have several hundred questions about this, but here's the first: Why does Slate sound like he's on the three a.m. shift at QVC?

As is common with a lot of these characters, they give you tools so you can customize him. You can change his wings, change his face, change his hairstyle, and make him grow in length from 4 1/2" to a whopping 5 1/2" inches long.

And that, kids, is why fairies never ever settle down.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Changing "Gay" to "Black"

What struck me about this Archie announcement is that it seems we're about to lose yet another safe haven for kid's entertainment. Introducing a black character may be "realistic" but does Archie have to be realistic? Kid's entertainment doesn't have to "reflect the current world of Teens." It doesn't have to present harsh realities or controversy. It can just be about fun or fantasy and it doesn't have to delve into every aspect of life whether it be provocative, even deviate. Will the Archies have a skinhead character? Will they have a Holocaust denier character?

-- Warner Todd Huston, Chicago columnist

Right-Wing Newspaper Can't Tell Obama From Malcolm X

Assholes. Look! Here's George Bush in a dress.

I don't know why we're wasting our money investigating Goldman Sachs. Absolutely nothing will happen to any of them. If it's a crime to sell junk that nobody in their right mind should buy, the staff of Pier 1 would be in Rikers right now.

Janna Bullock emigrated from Russia to become a nanny in New York. She met Aleksei Kuznetsov, a Moscow bank executive, while he was visiting, and they married. Next thing you know her husband is Moscow's finance director and she's "acquiring vast tracts of land around Moscow" until her empire is worth $2 billion dollars. Which, naturally, transformed the nanny into a New York socialite and plopped her on the board of the Guggenheim Foundation.

Sadly, all good things must come to an end. "We didn't get into any of the gossip or the allegations," said the president of the Guggenheim. "We have no idea what's true or false." The New York Times, though, goes far enough out on the limb to say that in July of 2008 Mr. Kuznetsov was "pressured" to resign. Then he "went on vacation," and while he was gone, an ally was shot in an apparent contract murder. He "decided not to return to Russia."

Dear New York Times,

How wealthy does a man have to be so you won't say he was "forced" to resign, then "fled the country," narrowly dodging hitmen, and is now "laying low" in an undisclosed location behind a phalanx of armed bodyguards?


An Obituary

Elizabeth L. Post, who succeeded her grandmother-in-law, Emily Post, as the doyenne of etiquette in repeated editions of Emily's celebrated advice book, died Saturday in Naples, Fla.

If you must know, Mrs. Post was 89.
Two of the most-buzzed-about parts of Laura Bush's new memoir Spoken From The Heart have to do with her speaking about the 1963 car crash where she killed a classmate (something she's never opened up about publicly before) and a decently startling revelation that during a trip to Germany, when she and President GWB fell ill, they believed they might have been poisoned.

Dear, it's called "German food."

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Well, we did it again. Somebody died on a New York sidewalk as we all just casually walked by and pretended like nothing was happening.

Folks, we really need to do something about this. These stories make their way around the world, and as a result everybody thinks New Yorkers are heartless.

Here are some signs to watch out for so you‘ll know when to intervene.

If I see somebody sprawled out across the sidewalk, the first thing I ask myself is, Are their eyes open? Are they overweight, and does their velour track suit say JUICY COUTURE on the ass? If so, then they’re tourists who got so excited about being in the Big Apple they actually tried to walk a whole city block by themselves. Push them downwind of the M&Ms store and eventually they’ll come to.

Another question to ask is, Are they smoking? Do they have yappy little dogs, and tattoos? If so, then they’re probably students who are begging for spare change. You do not need to call an ambulance for them, as this would just prompt them to call you lame, or write a really sarcastic tweet about you. Instead, just give them your change. Cigarettes and tattoos don’t grow on trees, you know.

If it was easy to tell when somebody was completely smashed, Ben Roethlisberger wouldn’t be serving three to five. First, I scour the area for clues. Are they surrounded by tiny cocktail umbrellas? Do you see champagne corks, or wedges of lime? Is any of their clothing emblazoned with the words “Kiss Me, I’m Irish”? If so, take a swig of whatever they’re drinking as a finder’s fee and leave them where they are.

Next, see if there is a diary somewhere near the body. If there is, don’t waste time searching their pockets for a tiny tin key. Just break the lock. Trust me: those wussies ain’t made by Schlage. Concentrate on the fact that you could be saving a life, and don’t even think that you may encounter some dozing homeless man’s fantasy drawings of Justin Bieber.

Once the diary is open, flip to the last page. Does it read something like, “Diary, the weather is great today. Right now I’m going to help an old lady fend off a dude with a knife and then I’ll be back with an update”? Or is the entry more along the lines of “ILL ADDMIT IT I LIKEZ MEE SUM ALKOHOLLLLLLL”?

When in doubt, gently roll the body over with your foot and double-check what kind of stain they leave on the sidewalk. Remember this handy motto: If it’s yellow, let them mellow. If it’s red, ohmigod I just kicked over a dead guy.

Of course, all this thoughtfulness is going to add to your travel time. With bodies sprawled out at roughly arm’s length across every New York sidewalk, you’re going to move slower than gay rights. Make sure you write in your own diary whenever you try to save one of these dudes. And just as a kindness to other Good Samaritans, keep your Justin Bieber sketches confined to another page.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Two stories with foreign accents today. First, the guy who did the voice of the Geico gecko has been fired.

Gecko voice actor D. C. Douglas has been fired by Geico after leaving a nasty phone message for a Tea Party group. The group posted the message online, telling their members to call Geico and complain. The following day, Mr. Douglas was fired.

They said to him, "Dude, this is a prestigious, quality company you're working for. You aren't the Aflac duck."

That must have been weird. The Geico gecko calling, all rude and abusive, even before the dude filed a claim.

Still, it seems like Geico opened a big can of worms. It's barely eleven in the morning and already I've gotten four phone calls saying, "Hello! I'm the Geico gecko. Your mother sucks cocks in hell!"

Next, here's a news item that confirms my suspicion that even native Australians can't understand their crazy accent.

An Australian restaurant that refused to admit a blind man because a waiter thought his seeing-eye dog was gay has been ordered to apologize and pay compensation.

A misunderstanding arose when a waiter thought Ian Jolly said he was bringing a gay dog, rather than a guide dog, into the restaurant. The waiter subsequently refused to admit the pair.

"The staff genuinely believed that Nudge was an ordinary pet dog which had been desexed to become a gay dog," the owners said in a statement. They were ordered to pay Jolly $1,400 and apologize.

If we reenact the scene with an Australian accent it almost, kind of makes sense.

WAITER: G'day, mate! That's a fine looking dingo you got there. What kind of pup is that?

BLIND MAN: Nudge? He's my guide dog. I couldn't do anything without him.

WAITER: He's a gay dog?

BLIND MAN: Yes, a guide dog.

WAITER: A gay dog.

BLIND MAN: A guide dog.

WAITER: If I'm not poking too much in your outback, how do you know he's a gay dog?

BLIND MAN: I trained him specially.

Friday, April 23, 2010

And Now, A Word From Our Sponsor

Keep an eye out for these books on aging by syndicated columnist Shirley W. Mitchell.

And coming this fall, ask your bookseller for Snapping Bones and Leaving the Stove On After 70.

Or imagine staying home.
The adult children of artist Frank Frazetta have resolved an ugly dispute over control of their father's body of work.

The family feud boiled over in December when Frank Frazetta Jr., was caught using a backhoe to break into the artist's museum. Police say he tried to remove 90 paintings insured for $20 million. Frazetta Jr. insisted he was attempting to safeguard the art from his scheming siblings.

Frazetta, 82, is renowned for his sci-fi and fantasy art, creating covers and illustrations for more than 150 books and comic books as well as album covers, movie posters and original paintings.

Dirk and Hilda Frazetta, with their lawyer.
Senior staffers at the Securities and Exchange Commission spent hours surfing pornographic websites on government-issued computers while they were being paid to police the financial system, an agency watchdog says.

The SEC's inspector general conducted 33 probes of employees looking at explicit images in the past five years, according to a memo obtained by The Associated Press.

The memo says 31 of those probes occurred in the 2 1/2 years since the financial system teetered and nearly crashed.

Their bosses said, "See if you can find any bankers screwing the public," but all they found were plumbers and pizza delivery guys.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Boobquake Day

An Indiana college student has attracted 30,000 supporters for a Facebook campaign urging women to show as much cleavage as possible to prove that breasts do not cause earthquakes.

Jen McCreight has named Monday, April 26 National Boobquake Day as a protest against an Iranian cleric who claimed that women who do not cover up were to blame for predictions that Tehran would be hit by a quake.

"On Monday, April 26, I will wear the most cleavage-showing shirt I own," McCreight said. "I encourage other female skeptics to join me and embrace the supposed supernatural power of their breasts.

"With the power of our scandalous bodies combined, we should surely produce an earthquake."

So if you see a scantily-clad woman standing in a doorway on Monday, she absolutely, positively isn't a whore.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Here's a photo from the new Broadway production American Idiot.

Evidently in this bleak, nihilistic vision of America, the godless punks spend three hours a day at the gym.
I have a lot more respect for Orthodox Jews than I do for Christians.

I'm an atheist, but that doesn't mean I automatically think religious people are stupid. I do a lot of things that other people think are stupid: I enjoy parades, I eat outdated sushi from the Bargain Bin, I buy CDs. Obviously I'm living in a glass house, so who I am to say somebody's dumb to believe in God?

Personally, I don't think the Bible is the word of God. I mean, if God had exactly three hundred pages to tell earthlings how to act, from the beginning of time all the way to the Rapture, I'm thinking there probably wouldn't be a chapter on the moustache.

If you're going to say the Bible is the word of God, though, you've got to follow through, and Christians just don't. They divide the Bible into two parts: the sensible stuff, and the crazy shit. Jesus, obviously, is sensible. He's cool. He's like a zen master always ready with a sound bite. Luckily he's in a whole different chapter, far away from the parts that say you should kill people who sprinkle parmesan cheese on fish. But then there's all that wacky stuff about shunning and stoning and human sacrifice. Whereas something written by an omnipotent creator should be a pretty cool read, the bible is the novel equivalent of a road trip across the U. S. It's really cool when you drive through Yosemite or Zion, but then there's those long stretches where everybody's toothless and has beer-bottle windchimes.

For the life of me, I can't figure out why religious people think editing the Bible is okay. I mean, God was all-powerful, right? He knew everything. He wasn't Norman Mailer. Was God schizophrenic? Did he drink? How come he needs this kind of leeway? I mean, after he realized vast portions of the book were total crap, couldn't he have rewound time and replaced it with an edited version?

I don't see them cutting regular folks that kind of slack. Einstein was nearly super-human too, but people would have written him off if he'd drunk-called them at night saying they should kill their kids with rocks.

Orthodox Jews, though, wholeheartedly embrace the Torah's crazy. When they decided to believe in the book, they threw themselves in whole hog. Christians would read the part about mixing dairy and meat, and think to themselves, "Whoa, that's weird. Wonder how that got in there. God musta had a bad day." Orthodox Jews, though, go, "Looks like I need more pots and pans."

When Christians read the Bible's words about how disgusting menstruating women are, they say, "Wow, that is so freaky I'm just gonna pretend it's not there. Orthodox Jews, though, think, "Hmm -- I guess I gotta get some kind of special tub."

It's easier for me to accept somebody's homophobia when I know it's part of a giant package of weird. If you're laying on the couch all Sunday drinking beer and watching football and you say God don't like gays, you're not religious: you're an idiot. But if you stay home because it's a sin to press elevator buttons and you think God doesn't like gays, I got no problem with that.

I might disagree, but I'll admire your courage. And if your God is okay with dollar shellfish, I might even offer you a snack.

Muffin Was Just Feeling a Little Light-Headed Until the Fur Stole Came Off

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Last week, Barack Obama gave a speech in which he addressed America's responsibility to the world. "[W]hether we like it or not," he said, "we remain a dominant military superpower, and when conflicts break out, one way or another we get pulled into them."

Naturally, Sarah Palin was tweeting about it within seconds, not even waiting to hear the sentence's end. "'Whether we like it or not we're a superpower'?" she repeated. "What kind of commie doesn't want America to be a superpower? Does he want to tear down all of our skyscrapers and plant banana trees?"

Word quickly circulated in the idiot media, and soon teabaggers were addressing the subject in their signs. "WE LIK BEING A SUPRPOUR," said one sign. "WE DONT WANnA BE LIK KEENYA," another said.

Rather than lower ourselves into this imaginary debate, we'll just explain a grammatical rule to Ms. Palin: You can't slice a clause down the middle and pretend the second half doesn't exist.

Here's an easy example. "Like it or not," Paris Hilton might say, "I'm pretty, and I attract the attention of a lot of men."

It's easy to guess Palin's reaction. "Like it or not she's pretty?" Palin would scream. "What's wrong with being PRETTY? Should we all slice at our faces with KNIVES?"

I'm surprised Palin ignored the next line in Obama's speech. "[Getting pulled into conflicts] ends up costing us significantly in terms of both blood and treasure." "'Treasure'?" she could yell. "Are we paying our hardworking servicepeople with DOUBLOONS?"

Still, I got no problem with Palin. She's the natural end result of a country with no education and no attention span. She soldiers on the only way she can.

Her head is up. Her ass is covered.

And you can slice that any way you want.

When We Fight For the Right to Name Our Dogs Inspector Dudley Crumbs, We're Fighting For All Of Us

PAT SAJAK: All right, we want to hear the Brent Benedetti story now.

BRENT BENEDETTI: I'm recently married to a man who's been cracking me up for the last ten years. His name is John. Uh, we have a dog named Inspector Dudley Crumbs and a cat named Kitty-Pants.

PAT SAJAK: Yeah? So do I. Fantastic. Our lives are almost parallel. Strange.

BRENT BENEDETTI: I love interior design and home staging, and I love to hike and travel in my free time.

PAT SAJAK: All right, good to have you here, Brent.

Predicting the Future

SOME IDIOT NEWS ANCHOR: I think he just likes being handcuffed.

He Was So Stoned It Took Eight Hours Before He Realized Those Weren't His Hands

Some Prisoners Might Not Be Geniuses, But They Fall In Love Just Like The Rest Of Us

I Can't Tell Who's Imitating Who Any More

Monday, April 19, 2010

I'm not going to see this movie.

When my feet stick to the floor in a movie theater, I want to know it's just Coke.

And suddenly E*Trade's milkaholic baby doesn't look so bad.

I've already cancelled the cleaning lady, but I'm praying the Fresh Direct guy can figure out how to open the door by himself.

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This is unbelievable. I went to a sandwich shop yesterday and saw this tiny notice posted on the wall.


Due to the high cost of food manufacturing and the strict laws regarding quality, this sandwich shop has replaced its cheese with triangular non-dairy sandwich slices. We're confident that you will enjoy these triangular non-dairy sandwich slices for their bright colors and sharp flavors, as we appreciate their indefinite shelf-life and how they don't need to be kept anywhere cold.

For your convenience, however, we will assume that when you say you want Cheddar on your sandwich, you really mean you want a yellow slice. The same with requests for American cheese. We also assume when you say you want Swiss on your sandwich, you want a white slice. Similarly Provolone. Edam, Gouda, Vermont White Cheddar, Parmesan, Feta and Mozzarella.

This notice therefore serves as legal written notice that we are not required to correct your assumptions about our triangular non-dairy sandwich slices, whether you assume they're imported from another country, aged in a cave or not made entirely of oil. We're certain that you'll find them tasty either alone or paired with our shaved lunch cutlets, pink or brown, which are discussed at length in our brochure.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Octuplets mother Nadya Suleman, under threat of having her home foreclosed, has accepted an offer from People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. For $5,000 and a month's supply of vegan food, she'll allow the animal-rights group to place a sign on her front lawn telling people they need to sterilize their pets.

You know those sea turtles that swim up onto the beach and deposit hundreds of eggs into a hole? Even they were offended by this.

Yeah? I'd lick the print off all those bills before I'd get my tongue near one of those chicks.

The Catholic Church Molestation Scandal in Ten Lines or Less

THEM: Our priests never molested anybody. This is just one or two bitter gay atheists making crazy accusations so they can get rich quick.

US: Then why do you keep paying them off?

THEM: We're just trying to be nice. Well, maybe there's one or two bad apples in the barrel. When we find the occasional priest who's guilty of molestation, though, we do something about it!

US: Yes. You move them to another church.

THEM: Okay, maybe there's a problem, but it isn't pedophilia. These are evil gay men who somehow infiltrated our ranks.

US: If they were gay men, they'd be sleeping with each other.

THEM: You know, I think you're trying to make a big deal out of nothing. I think this is a vast left-wing conspiracy by atheists aimed at bringing down the Pope. But he didn't know! He didn't have a clue!

US: Oh, look! Here's a signed letter from him telling somebody to ignore a molestation case.

THEM: You people really need to forgive and let go.

I'm on the fence. Would a thoughtful boyfriend do something that makes you think, if even for a second, that the fruits and vegetables in your fridge were going to rise up and consume you?

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Hong Kong scientists have developed a robotic hand that allows people talking over the web to experience the sensation of touching each other — even feeling the strength of a handshake.

The cyber hand can grip and shake as well as make gestures and touch. The current model is expected to go on sale by Christmas for around $37 each.

I've got a beta version of this and I'm not convinced it's a good thing. For instance, I accidentally dialed the Vatican and now I can't find my underwear.
Did you know you can print exactly 83 pages after your Canon MP530 says you're out of ink?

Did you know the difference between "self-employed" and "unemployed" is $6,583 in tax?

Did you know that if you pop Tylenol like candy, your headache won't go away but your liver will shut down?

Taxes in America are ridiculous. The forms are unbelievably long and complicated, though one form assured me that a committee had been formed to judge whether an ordinary human could understand and complete the form within a calendar year and the answer came up yes. Still, you've got to admire the balls of a state where, if you earn $85 over poverty level, they've got dibs on $3.

Oooh, SNAP!

The New York Times, on society writer Derek Blasberg:

In simpler terms, work, for Mr. Blasberg, means what he is doing right now, which is being a part of a scene. What that scene is does not matter, so long as the same Very Important People are there being photographed, their dresses remarked upon and their names recorded in the party pages of a newspaper or magazine or whichever blog is in favor at the moment, like the one written by Mr. Blasberg for He is very good at his part — witty, teddy-bear cute but no threat to anyone’s husband.

A pair of male swans have built a love nest in the UK. "They sit on the nest and act in every way as if they were a pair expecting to lay eggs," said swannery manager John Houston. "It is quite sweet. . . We realized they were together because the swan herds can obviously tell the difference between the males and females as the cobs have a much larger bump on their nose."

Meanwhile, you know how this is being reported on Fox News? TWO BLIND SWANS FOUND IN ENGLAND.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Email I Never Finished Reading

From Dove Deodorant:
Spring is quickly approaching. If your underarms spent the winter months underneath sweaters and warm coats, . . .

Actually, mine joined the touring company of Hair.